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Double Jay versus Sam Raines

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                                         Double Jay versus Sam Raines IN:

                                         THE CASE OF THE UNEXPECTED TWIST!

-------------------------------------------------


The world itself was happy, that was the strange thing; rolling hills supplanted by deep forests and picturesque cliffs only occasionally interrupted by a bustling city or raucous suburb. There was an ocean somewhere. And quite a lot of lakes. One of them began to bubble...
The Bathysphere bobbed to the surface and floated to shore. The door was kicked open and two people exited it. One of them appeared to remember something and ran back inside. Once there, he twisted a glass box with a handle set into the bathysphere console, and the marvelous machine disappeared from sight. He exited and shut the door with some difficulty.
"Behold, Todd! A land of new opportunity awaits us! If Alhazred's writings are to be believed, we should be hip-deep in wild and wondrous creatures in no time!"
Double Jay's mind buzzed with the possibilities of a million different snake oils and panaceas, all expensive and made from rare and hard-to-kill beings. And all sold by him.
Double Jay was wearing a tight rubber surgeon's skullcap and mirror-on-a-headband over his gray comb-over. He wore a pair of ornate goggles with smoked lenses to keep out the light. He had on a surgeon's mask over his mouth. His nose was bisected by a vertical line of stitches. His whole face was, really, but it only showed on the nose because of the mask and goggles. He also had on an ensemble of green scrubs, white lab coat and red rubber gloves. With a pair of black boots.
His assistant Todd was much more simply dressed. A white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up under a brown vest, and a pair of black slacks with pointed shoes.
Suddenly, Double Jay grabbed Todd's head and twisted it in the direction of his pointing finger.
"Todd, look there!"
Through the shrubbery and past a small thicket of stubby trees, there stood another, smaller lake. A pond, really. At the nearest shore knelt a beautiful creature. Buxom and trim, her skin was possessed of a unique purple sheen. She was wearing hip-hugger jeans cut off at the knees. Her legs culminated in dainty hooves. Her hands were...guns. She had a tail of black hair protruding just above the line of her pants. She was wearing a pink A-Shirt with KILL YOU on the back. A black horn protruded from her forehead, and her face was equine, even though her teeth were sharp as anything. She was mumbling to herself angrily as she dunked some soggy delicates into the crystal clear lake water again and again.
"Stupid fucking husband, eating my fucking washing machine..."
"Todd, don't move."
"And the fucking laundromat..."
"It's a unicorn."
Jay slowly and carefully reached into his coat and withdrew a bone saw.

---------------------------------

Samuel Raines was possessed of the unique ability to become bored on command, at any time or place. His intellect was vast enough that any activity–from solving rubix cubes to wind surfing–could instantly throw him into a torrent of ennui. His mind craved an equal to pit itself against. Thus far, the competition had been rather scarce.
Raines was short, squat, fat and green. He was covered with tiny dry scales. He carried his dull brown hair in a ponytail. His fingernails and toenails were long and strong. His tail, slit off in his youth, was a rounded paddle. His ears were long and fan-shaped.
He was wearing a Cosby sweater and some khaki slacks under a red floor-length lounge jacket. The kind that is normally associated with fezzes and War And Peace in a no-nonsense kind of way.
He always wore red fingerless gloves and red toeless shoes – he liked how they looked. His glasses (large and rounded) were built to protect his eyes, not enhance his vision, which was rather weak; owing to his reptilian genetics.
His teeth, rarely seen because he never smiled or grimaced, were bright red.
He was sitting in a chair in his office, making absolutely no movement, when suddenly, his ears perked up. There had been no disturbance, either immediately audible or detected by the sensors placed around his land, so what was it that was bothering him? It was like a low hum that began in the teeth and vibrated the wax out of the ears. It was really beginning to annoy him. As he tilted his chin up, he almost felt as if he could follow the noise. As if it had a trail. He stood up, and then looked down at his feet in amazement. He hadn't felt this motivated in quite some time.
He called out to the only other occupant of the house, a blob named Vorb.
"I am...going out?"
He very, nearly, almost, not quite, smiled.
He was answered by a gargantuan snore, and the feeling of elation evaporated, replaced by the more familiar one of annoyance.

-------------------------------------------------

At the crack of noon, Raines arrived on the scene. He'd wandered from village to dell, the obviously lesser mongrel folk scattering in his wake, until eventually he had come to this place, far from his home.
He gazed at the tableau before him. One of them had a large smoking hole in his chest and was lying spread-eagled on the ground. He looked closer and raised an eyebrow. Whoever it was, they were playing dead. Apparently Cashier did not possess the capacity for detecting multiple hearts in one body, but then, she couldn't sense heat as he did.
The other had been forced to his adolescent knees and was at Cashier's mercy.
"No-no, please, I l-l-l-love unicorns! I've g-got l-l-like a m-m-m-million pictures of 'em on my wal-OH PLEASE GOD NOOMPH!"
She stuck one of her handguns into the boy's mouth.
Raines cleared his throat, he had become bored. That was the way things worked. A situation was a certain way, Raines became bored, and the universe changed. That, and the hum was practically throbbing out of these two people.
Cashier turned to look at him with murder in her eyes, and then appeared to remember who he was.
And what he was capable of.
And what he had done in the past.
With that capability.
He noticed offhand that she had a one centimeter gash in her horn. He dismissed the detail as unimportant, as he was wont to do.
She smiled evilly.
"You can have 'em," she said somewhat warily. She gathered up her soaking laundry and left.
Raines turned back to the two very lucky idiots.
"Well, you can get up now. She's gone."
A bout of asthmatic wheezing erupted from the prone form of the derelict surgeon. The boy shakily got to his feet and began to root industriously in a bush nearby.
Eventually, the wheezing became distinguishable as laughter, and the man got up. The boy returned, slotting a pair of glass eyes into his head and passing the surgeon a large black suitcase. It was opened and a jar and roll of black cloth was removed.
The surgeon nodded to Raines and then cut himself open.
"Would you look at that, such extensive damage. We'll never be able to reuse it. Oh well. Todd, take a note; we'll log it as 'lightly used' and pawn it to the Chinese."
"An excellent idea as always, Master Jay," the boy known as Todd said timidly as he passed his master another heart from the jar and placed the damaged one in it.
"Who are you?" said Raines finally.
"I am Double Jay, entrepreneur. This is my apprentice, Todd," the man said jovially, as if he hadn't just performed major surgery on himself without any form of anesthesia.
"and your name is?" he continued.
"Raines," said Raines.
"Fascinating! Tell me, offhand, how much would you say your skin is worth by the pound?"
Raines curled his lip and moved to the question that had been bothering him so he could murder these people and go home.
"Why did I come here?' he asked matter-of-factly.
"Mmmmm, I thought something like this might happen," said Jay, standing up as his assistant packed the suitcase up and shut it.
"It's the bathysphere. It produces a low-grade background radiation that attracts powerful and intelligent people to it like honey. Or rotting flesh. Ever wonder why flies like both?"
"Extensively," said Raines.
"I take it from your description that this bathysphere is no ordinary submersible," continued Raines.
"You would be correct in that assumption," replied Jay haughtily.
He seemed reluctant to reveal more on the subject.
Raines sighed, on general principle.
"You will take me to this device and allow me to use it."
Jay scoffed.
"Not on your life, or your fucking skin, probably wasn't even worth that much anyway, goddamn cheapskate..." he grumbled.
Raines put his chin in his hand.
"You interest me. I will dissect you and take your machine for myself, post-haste."
Jay cackled.
"Oh, but to do that, you'd have to Get CLOSE!!"
He unleashed a dual fusillade of scalpels in Raines' direction.
Raines spun in slow motion, and then allowed his tail to make a sudden full revolution, deflecting quite a lot of the scalpels with a solid THWUMPH. The rest embedded themselves in his skin, and then fell out with only minute trickles of black blood.
Jay beckoned to his assistant and received a shovel from him. The shovel was black and reinforced in places with silvery plate fixtures. He charged Raines with the shovel, swinging it like a berserker. Raines drew his long handled iron hammer and blocked the strikes with ease. On the final strike, he twisted the hammer, propelling Jay backwards (it was that or be twisted off his feet). A quick forward thrust caught Jay under the chin, and he staggered back even further.
He shoved the shovel into the ground tip-first and reached into his coat. His hands came out holding a pair of vicious handled hooks. Jay swung at Raines furiously, but only ever manged to scratch him, no matter how deep he cut.
Raines suddenly ducked forward and missed being concussed by a swing of Todd's suitcase. He took Todd's legs out from under him with a swipe of his tail and leveled a dart gun at his chest.
"!" said Jay, and blurred.
Raines pulled the trigger and found himself firing three syringes point blank into Jay's chest. Todd hurried to his feet with the suitcase and fled the immediate scene of battle. Jay looked down at the three syringes. He chuckled.
"Notice how they're not emptying?"
Raines' face blanched.
"What are you?"
Jay removed the syringes and tossed them to Todd, who tucked them away for later.
"I am not by any stretch of the imagination your worst nightmare, which I assume involves handbags. I am, however, about to kill you, which, I think, should be cause enough for alarm."
Jay grabbed up his shovel, spun it showily, and charged once again, head down, one hand clutching the middle of the shovel's haft, the other gripping a hand-hook.
"I'M OPENING YOU UP!!!"
Raines sacrificed his spent gun to the cut and thrust of heated debate, and stepped back momentarily.  He gripped his right wrist with his left hand and twisted the dial on the band there. There was a high-pitched buzzing noise, and the ground erupted between the two combatants.
A gargantuan blob of pink flesh threw itself into being, piling itself higher and higher into a mound of eyes and teeth and tentacled claws.
Raines did not smile, but even his bland tone of voice could not conceal his glee at winning. He shouldered his hammer.
"This is Vorb, the world's most versatile being. Vorb, take this miscreant apart slowly. I want to be able to see his molecular bonds come undone."
Jay growled, annoyed, and stuck his hooked hand back inside his coat.
"THIIIIS ISSSSSSSS NOOOOOT PERSONAAAAAALLLLL, YOOOOOUUU UNDERSTAAAAAAANNND."
"Completely," said Jay invitingly.
Vorb swiped lazily at Jay with one of its myriad tentacles. The hooked barb on the end just barely missed gutting Jay like a carp. Two and then three more tentacles entered the fray. Jay just barely dodged again and again, but took no other actions. Suddenly, after one such attack had failed to disembowel him, a tentacle oozed from the earth behind him and coiled itself around his waist.
Jay cackled manically as he was lifted towards one of Vorb's mouths. He withdrew his hand from his inside pocket and plunged the Heavy Ordinance Syringe into the flesh of Vorb's tentacle. The effect was immediate and dramatic. With an unearthly howl, Vorb collapsed into soup; eyes and teeth and barbs floating lazily into each other like dead fish in the mire of their former anchorage.
Jay dusted himself off and picked up the emptied syringe. He filled it with some of the Vorb goop and than chest-passed it to Todd, who caught it inexpertly. Jay turned to Raines, who was speechless.
"My patented muscle relaxant. Ten times the strength used to put death row inmates to sleep. Particularly effective on shape shifters, I've noticed."
He bent over and looked Vorb in its eye.
"You are now the world's most versatile puddle of gloop. Temporarily, of course. If I had two cubic ounces of Nitrous Glycerin I could really do you in, but alas."
Jay did not get to finish gloating, because Raines had swiped at him with one of his deadly claws, taking a page from Jay's book by employing both slash and blunt damage alá his claws and his hammer. Jay was forced to backpedal through the gloop, his feet slipping and having difficulty finding traction.
He braced himself upright with his shovel and armed himself with his pair of hooks. Hook and claw clashed again and again, until Jay caught the handle of the hammer in the round portion of a hook, kneed Raines in the groin and kicked him in the sternum, sending him a yard back in the friction-less environment of Vorb.
Jay hefted his shovel and javelined it into Raines' thorax.
He was knocked over backwards. Jay took a running leap and landed on Raines. He was surprisingly sturdy. Barely any of his black blood issued from the shovel wound. Raines possessed a crocodile's knack for clotting large wounds.
"I do not suppose we could talk this out rationally, GLLRRK."
Jay slit his throat and held him down to stop his struggling, while also keeping the wound from closing.
After about a minute, it was over.
Jay stood up and walked back over to Todd, slipping occasionally.
"Bury him, we'll come back for the parts later. I want his eyelids in particular."
Todd bowed dutifully and set to work with his master's shovel.
Presently it got dark and Jay and Todd headed into town to boast of their exploits and see if the aforementioned activities were good for any free stuff.

The moon shone on the shore of the pond. Vorb had oozed away long ago and the shallow grave was settling.
The shallow grave was approached by a towering figure and a tiny one. The tiny one took off his tiny bowler hat and clutched it to his chest, in a mixture of sadness and respect.
"Is grampa dead?"
The tall one did not speak, he merely stood there for some time, and then dug his bladed tendrils into the soft earth and began to dig.
"Not for long," Cyan finally answered.
Mister put his bowler back on his little blue head and did a happy clapping dance.

As it turned out, killing Raines was good for a lot of good P.R. around this place.
Apparently, nobody had liked him very much.
Jay and Todd had been invited to a large End Of Summer Bash where they had to tell everyone over and over again about the good news.
Jay had fetched Todd a seltzer and ginger-ale cocktail after he had discovered the ill effects of giving the little mutant too much alcohol. As he walked, he was guided by one hand or another who felt that he just had to meet another one of of the city's many denizens.
"Dees izz ma ho...er, ma wife," said another doctor (really, this place was drowning in the things) who called himself Nubs. Cashier caught sight of Jay's face and nearly dropped her tray of drinks. Jay took his chance and vanished into the crowd.
He came to a heavy red armchair with something indefinable in it. It swiveled an eye stalk towards him and with a measure of horror Jay realized it was part of Vorb. He also saw several other Vorbs spaced around the party, generally lounging or absorbing plates of half-eaten food that were dumped into them.
"Listen, about earlier," said Jay hastily.
"HEEEEEEY, IT'S NOOO PROOOOBLEMMMMM. YOU WOULDN'T BELIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEVE WHAT WE GOT OUTTA OOOOOOUUUUURRRRRR PENSION PLAAAAAAAAAN. NOT TO MEEEENTION, I'M FEEEELING LIKE, REEEEALLLLLY RELAXED. WHAT WAS THAT STUFF?"
"Uhhh...hypermodulated Glycol?"
"FAAAAANTASTIC. HAVE A GOOD OOONE."
It toasted him and Jay hurried off again.
Jay almost knocked over a towering figure, who took half a step and nearly crushed Jay's foot under his huge metal clog.
"Heyyyy, uhh. Sorry? Yeah, um, about...that. About that. Yeah. Have you met Xia?"
The lopsided man indicated a young blue-haired woman with white cat ears. She smiled and waved half-heartedly. They were both stone-drunk. Jay nodded politely and pushed between them to keep going.
"HEY YOO!"
Jay stepped back at the squat, scrawny figure accosting him. The little man adjusted his porkpie hat and hefted his overlarge pencil.
"YOO SEEN FOOFOO?"
"Back here, sweetie. What did you take this time?"
"A COUPLE OF, uh, a couple of purples, maybe a green or two. Or five."
The young pink woman sadly put her hand on her date's shoulder and attempted to steady him, but his eyes seemed to be going in two different directions, to say nothing of his legs.
"Hey, what's that?" said Jay.
"WUT?" said the squat fellow.
Jay discreetly cracked a white tablet in two and dropped it in the fellows' drink. "Foofoo" noticed and frowned, but brightened when her man took a swig and straightened up like a ruler.
Jay slipped her his card.
"I also do surgery. And haircuts...but mainly surgery."
Jay walked away, ever the business man.
No sooner was he free of the couple than he was once again accosted. This time, by a deep pink being without eyelids, dressed in a red trench coat. It did not appear to have arms.
"Herro!"
Jay was sympathetic to this...man's...lack of lids and did his best to endure conversation.
"Hey maybe you should be the new hospitarier! Seeing as how you kirred our rast one!"
"Hey, maybe not!"
Jay gripped the madman by the head and violently shoved him sideways while he made his escape.
At last, Jay reached the massive couch where the comatose Todd had collapsed and sat down.
"So!" said the metal-footed, poor-postured drunk from earlier.
"What brings you here?"
He sat down uncomfortably close to Jay and Todd. Todd snuggled closer to him, but pulled away in his sleep from the smell.
"Well, my primary prerogative is to burn and subjugate your world for my master Satan!"
Silence pervaded throughout the party.
Then everyone, as one, burst into adorable cheesy laughter.

It was the dead of night. Even the moons had gone to sleep.
Jay turned to Todd in the cool night air. His eyes shone like deep-sea lamps.
"The body's gone."

Raines looked down.
"Why am I shirtless?"
"We're gonna play doctor! Also you were dead!" Mister joyfully squealed in his high-pitched girlish voice, hugging Raines.
Raines looked balefully at Cyan, who held up his hands.
"I didn't teach him that."
Round never of nobody's contest. This was just for lulz. And yes, I am depriving that word of its meaning by using it meaninglessly. Just like "cool" and "nice."

Oh wait.

I think this has something to do with :iconea-lec:.
Yes, that's right, I think it was an open duel.

It's my character Double Jay versus :iconashlelang:'s character Raines.

Everything (c) Everyone.

I really and truly hope nobody was OOC here. Writing for Ashley's universe is a supreme exercise in pull-it-offery. It is difficult. They're all so complex!

Written while listening to I Wanna Be Sedated by The Ramones, Pomp And Circumstance by Chicago Symphony Orchestra, and Maxwell's Silver Hammer by The Beatles. You should, too.


Part One of Jay's adventures: evil-stan.deviantart.com/art/D…

Part Three of Jay's adventures: evil-stan.deviantart.com/art/D…

Part Four of Jay's adventures: evil-stan.deviantart.com/art/D…

Part Four and a Half of Jay's Adventures: 
evil-stan.deviantart.com/art/A…

Part Five of Jay's Adventures: 
evil-stan.deviantart.com/art/D…

My Opponent's Entry: ashleylange.deviantart.com/art…
Comments10
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ashlelang's avatar
Favorite parts
"Stupid fucking husband, eating my fucking washing machine..."
"And the fucking laundromat..."
**Raines would totally wear a Cosby sweater.. just for kicks. Great touch.
**Cashier owned them, that made me laugh.
"I am not by any stretch of the imagination your worst nightmare, which I assume involves handbags." Funny!
"Mister put his bowler back on his little blue head and did a happy clapping dance."
really, this place was drowning in the things
"FAAAAANTASTIC. HAVE A GOOD OOONE." Perfectly right-on there; I can see Vorb getting addicted to sleeping aids :XD:
"A COUPLE OF, uh, a couple of purples, maybe a green or two. Or five."
**He helped Squats? Wasn't expecting that; nice touch.
"I didn't teach him that."

Very fun entry - the party at the end was great; it says a lot that Jay can remain calm around all them, and great job getting them in character too. Raines was right-on for the most part and it was cool that he got to use all his weapons (and they failed one by one!) It'll be a close match for sure :) Thanks,it was fun!

Ashley